June 5th, 2018

“不是我不要做，是我不会做。”

“It’s not that I don’t want to do it, It’s that I don’t know how to do it.”

– My 7 year old self.

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As I walk down these wooden stairs,

I know I’m given another chance,

To speak a greeting and change my advance.

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But instead I bolt, zipping on my toes,

Because how can I be consistent if I froze?

Feeling nothing, as if routine was to dismiss my guilt,

And thinking one day, I’ll cross that bridge when it is built.

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I ask myself why it is so hard to admit these feelings I still own-

For the person who I insist they go and leave me alone.

How can I show my face again after the time I let pass.

And expect the harmony of us to last and outlive the past?

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I’m ashamed to say that grudges are hard for me to slay,

Because I buy that those who burn you once, can burn you again.

I chose to see the faults in what they’ve done and why they did,

When instead I could have let go, held my tongue and say I forgive.

Maybe then, the thought of hugging them would not be so foreign to me.

And I would be able to accept that even love ones are not born saints to be.

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So tell me how can I begin to ask you to stay,

When I was the one who said I’m done and pushed you away.

For sorry is too short a word for me to say,

When what I really mean is how can I take back the way that I caved.

And believe me when I say I felt every bit of you rust,

But I’d just hate to say sorry, only to end up breaking your trust.

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So please understand that when I see you and still say nothing,

Know that I’m trying, trying to find the words : I’m sorry.

Then, if you can, forgive me, for not forgiving,

I’m sure then, we’ll both have a story worth telling.

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In short,

Forgive me for not forgiving.

– Chelsea Sik